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Maybe you learned to be defensive or territorial to protect your belongings from your siblings.

  Or perhaps you became aware that by giving away your belongings, other would like you and eventually would become dependent on you, securing your position in the family.

  Psychologists study different personality structures and categorize them according to systems called personality typologies. These will help you find your personality type and begin to understand the motivation behind your behavior. As you gradually gain self-awareness, you can begin to observe and evaluate how your personality is functioning. You can start this process with questions like:

  What are your earliest memories about how you interacted with others?

  In your childhood, when did your internal conflicts begin?

  Did you or anyone else squelch your dreams? When and why?

  There are many ways to learn more about your personality: The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is a system you may have heard of. The system that we use is the Enneagram because of its unique ability to uncover motivation and help predict behavior. The Enneagram itself is a geometric figure used to represent the human mind. It is organized into a system of nine interrelated personality types. While the whole system is quite intricate and it can take many years of study to grasp its full potential, many of us can look at each of the nine types and find our own personality relatively quickly.

  Your personal story

  Find your type

  Read all nine descriptions in the pages that follow.

  While one description might not feel exactly right in its entirety, note any sentences or phrases that resonate with you. There will likely be one personality type that resonates most with you.

  Note also that within each type, personalities can range from functional to dysfunctional (or when traits are carried to extremes). To illustrate both the different personality types and the ranges within each, we are using characters from the story “Cinderella.”

  Find your type (or the two or three that resonate most) and gently observe over the course of a week the ways you reflect your particular personality type. Do you see yourself playing into any of the expectations? Do you behave a certain way when you want your needs to be met? What happens in moments when you feel more desperate to get something that you need?

  Are You a reformer?

  Enneagram type one

  Do you feel pressure to do things perfectly of make things right?

  Are you easily frustrated or annoyed when things aren’t done just so?

  When you were young, did you worry about being perfect or being a good girl?

  Reformers hold high ideals and standards. Because of this, they can be principled and responsible. When Reformers fixate on perfectionism, however, their attention automatically focuses on correcting errors and judging themselves and others.

  The “shoulds” of a reformer

  An overly fixated reformer

  Cinderella inspires others to be good, serves justice, and never does anything wrong. She is a meticulous housekeeper.

  Cinderella’s stepmother is so fixated on perfection that she becomes harsh and tyrannical.

  Are You a Caretaker?

  Enneagram type two

  Do you feel that you are pressured to always be there for others

  Do you feel sad that others don’t recognize that you have needs but expect you to be there for everyone else?

  As a young girl, did you feel like you had to anticipate everyone else’s needs and be of service to them?

  Caretakers are socially skilled, deeply attuned to others, and hardworking. Because of these gifts, they can be helpful and very generous. However, when Caretakers fixate on another’s needs, they begin to create an unspoken, unconscious contract by which they expect to have their needs met in return. Caretakers may become resentful because their own needs aren’t being met and may become driven to be indispensible, trying to become the ideal caregiver. In their most fixated state, Caretakers may begin to challenge boundaries by overdoing the “people-pleasing” and acting like martyrs.

  The “shoulds” of a caretaker

  An overly fixated caretaker

  Cinderella is always there to serve. She anticipates other people’s needs so effectively that she can provide for others before they even ask.

  Cinderella’s stepmother tries to make Cinderella feel guilty about everything she has “given” her. Playing a martyr, she tells Cinderella that she is helping her despite the girl’s limitations and undesirability.

  Are you an Achiever?

  Enneagram type three

  Do you feel pressured to be the best and most successful?

  Do you find that you judge others who can’t succeed?

  As a little girl, did you feel like you could never let yourself fail?

  Achievers can be some of the most productive and effective people. Because of their gifts, Achievers are able to focus on tasks, goals, and “doing,” all of which seems to be effortless for them. When Achievers become overly fixated on success, however, they start to feel pressured to win at all costs. If an Achiever’s fixation is not satisfied, they may start to practice deception so they appear to be successful even when they’re not.

  The “shoulds” of an achiever

  An overly fixated achiever

  Cinderella is admirably beautiful and efficient. And it’s seemingly effortless, making her ability to achieve look easy.

  The stepsisters are driven to achieve the prince’s love despite all the odds, even keeping Cinderella away from the ball and, in one version of the story, cutting off their toes in an attempt to fit into the glass slipper.

  “In yourself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, then the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either that key or that door to open except yourself.”—Krishna Murti Philosopher/Poet

  Are you an individualist?

  Enneagram type Four

  Do you feel pressure to be unique?

  Do you envy others who stand out or who are admired?

  As a little girl, did you feel like you had to be special or unique?

  Individualists show emotional depth, a commitment to truth, and are focused on being unique and different. Their gifts are authentic emotional expression and creativity that touches universal human experience. But when the Individualist’s needs to be special and authentic are not being met, or when they are seized by fear of abandonment, they may resort to envy and recklessness, and may overact dramatically. At their worst, Individualists may withdraw from others, may become very entitled, and may lose their ability to relate in an emotionally appropriate way to other people.

  The “shoulds” of an individualist

  An overly fixated individualist

  Cinderella is a unique candidate to be chosen as a bride. Although she comes from a humble background, she seems to be authentic and worthy of a prince.

  The stepmother and stepdaughters envy Cinderella because they think she is more beautiful than they are. They abandon social decency and mock Cinderella to make her feel badly in front of the prince.

  Are You an Investigator?

  Enneagram type five

  Do you feel pressured to have the most reasonable & best-researched point of view

  Do you fear that others might come into your life & disrupt your carefully organized plans?
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br />   Do you fear someone who might invade your private space?

  As a little girl, did you feel like you had to communicate very selectively—not sharing fully in the information you had?

  Investigators are quick to notice information and identify intruders because they seek objectivity, privacy, and independence. They are deeply knowledgeable and appear calm in a crisis, because Investigators are driven by the need to analyze everything and not to let emotion cloud their judgment or expose their inner world. If this drive becomes obsessive, they may isolate themselves from others because closeness may weaken their stance.

  The “shouds” of an investigator

  An overly fixated investigator

  Cinderella does not show her emotions or grief to the outside world and remains mostly observant so that she barely interacts with anyone.

  Cinderella’s stepmother acts miserly toward Cinderella and devises ways to keep her locked up so that Cinderella can’t penetrate her safety zone.

  Are you a Troubleshooter?

  Enneagram type six

  Do you feel pressured to constantly scan the environment for potential risks?

  Are you suspicious of others’ motivations and how they might impact you and those you love?

  As a little girl, did you feel like you had to protect your family from dangers that you could see around them?

  Troubleshooters are naturally vigilant and attentive to signs of possible danger. They want to be aware of any potential hazards and seek security in the form of authority or a structure that they can follow. As a result, Troubleshooters are sensitive and loyal. When caught in fear, however, they cause others to feel insecure and on guard, disrupting people’s sense of safety instead of being a source of strength and reliability. If not checked, the drive for safety overrides everything and becomes ineffective or difficult, and Troubleshooters become anxiety-ridden and, in extreme instances, paranoid.

  The “shoulds” of a troubleshooter

  An overly fixated troubleshooter

  Cinderella is loyal without complaint while watching out for the safety of a few select others.

  Reactionary and unpredictable, Cinderella’s stepmother tries to incite fear in Cinderella and disrupt her sense of safety.

  Are you an Enthusiast?

  Enneagram type seven

  Do you feel pressure to feel good all the time and to hang out with other people who feel similarly in 1order to keep feeling good?

  Do you find that you run from boredom and pain?

  As a little girl, did you feel like you had to be good at a lot of things and put on a happy face no matter what?

  Enthusiasts love having the freedom to choose and explore many options. They are upbeat, positive, and energized, and offer their gifts of creative and multidisciplinary thinking to the world. When caught by fear, Enthusiasts may be driven to impulsively preserve their freedom by becoming extremely restless, scattered, and self-oriented. At their worst, Enthusiasts appear manic and narcissistic.

  The “shoulds” of an enthusiast

  An overly fixated enthusiast

  Cinderella is very playful and optimistic with her fairy godmother despite her unhappy life with her stepmother and stepsisters.

  The stepsisters, who are purely self-oriented with an insatiable need to have their desires met by Cinderella, do not notice or care about the pain they are causing her.

  Are you a challenger?

  Enneagram type eight

  Do you feel pressure to dominate so that no one can dominate you?

  Do you use your will to get what you want?

  As a little girl, did you feel like you had to be strong to protect yourself and those whom you loved?

  Challengers are driven by power or by appearing powerful and protective. They are assertive and dominate situations with their fearless presence. When feeling fearful, vulnerable, or out of control, Challengers may compensate by being overpowering and confrontational. In their most fixated state, Challengers may be repulsed by the vulnerability they see in others, triggering a dangerous reaction in which they may use their power to intimidate or harm others.

  The “shoulds” of a challenger

  An overly fixated challenger

  Cinderella eventually becomes a magnanimous leader in charge of those who have been unjust to her.

  The stepmother exerts her power over Cinderella, ordering her around, bullying her with threats, and making her stay home from the ball.

  Are you a peacemaker?

  Enneagram type nine

  Do you fell pressure to be seen as nonconfrontational, compliant, and easy to be with?

  Do you get uncomfortable when you think about what you like or need?

  As a little girl, did you feel like you could not admit to any needs of your own for fear of being a bother?

  Peacemakers are naturally inspired to create harmony and unity among people. They instinctively sense conflict and, in an easygoing way, can figure out what actions will allow others to function more cooperatively. Their unpretentious, down-to-earth presence makes it possible for others to relax. In extreme situations, Peacemakers may get stuck when they focus on blending in to such a degree that they lose themselves as individuals. They become frozen in inaction and disconnected from their anger at not being seen.

  The “shoulds” of a peacemaker

  an overly fixated peacemaker

  Cinderella emanates love without causing waves or expressing her own needs.

  One of the stepsisters becomes so fixated on not making waves that she becomes lazy, dependent on Cinderella to do everything.

  When I was a kid, my mom would come into my room when it was time to go to bed. Often she would discover me sprawled across the floor, fascinated by a large, complicated art project that had taken over my bedroom. I would promise her that I was going to sleep soon, and she would go off to get ready for bed. In what seemed like only a minute, Mom was back at my door in her pajamas giving me The Look. “Just a few more minutes!” I would plead. She would go back to bed, but the art project was never finished, and it wasn’t until hours later that I would collapse in exhaustion and haul myself to bed.

  Fast-forward a few decades. I was in Atlanta for an event, and someone offered to pick me up at my hotel to escort me to the event. I was in my room, hurriedly trying to put the finishing touches on a watercolor when I realized I was going to be late. I bolted downstairs, arriving with a few minutes to spare, which was unusual for me. When the driver pulled up, I got in the car and he said with eyebrows raised, “You’re on time. They told me you’d be late and gave me all of these ways to contact you.” Next to my elbow on the center console was a piece of paper containing my hotel information, my phone number, and a few notes. I glanced at the page and read:

  “Please note: Elle always runs late so plan accordingly . . .”

  I stopped reading and started to go numb. When we arrived at the event, I tried my best to put on a happy face and forget about it. But later, once I was back in my hotel room, I thought about it again and asked myself, “Well, is it true?”

  It was. I frequently ran late, bailed on commitments if something more enticing came up, and harbored the mentality that if I was having fun doing one thing, why would I stop to do something else?

  When I learned about the Enneagram, I was fascinated. I realized that my path to growth would involve bringing awareness to this gluttony in my life. As I started to see this play ou
t in real time, I understood that my actions impacted others, sometimes deeply.

  As I thought about what motivated me to bail on my commitments, I realized it often came down to a fear of boredom. I discovered that it was common for Enthusiasts to organize their lives around having fun, or “staying high,” in order to avoid the humdrum parts of life. It was as though life was a buffet, and I wanted to try everything.

  A few months later, I stood in the shower and on the fogged-over glass shower door, I began to write with my index finger: B-O-R-I-N-G. I asked myself, What does “boring” mean? Without thinking, and with the stream of water putting me into a trancelike state, I began to write words like: dependable, reliable, committed . . .

  With time and gentle awareness, I began to slow down, to practice saying “no” to projects, and to fully commit when I said yes. It turns out that focus brings immense depth and a relaxed feeling to my life, which feels good. Instead of feeling an inch deep and a mile wide, I now feel like I am running on a fuel that is deeper and more deliberate, and I channel this new kind of energy into choice commitments. With time, as I loosened my fixation on gluttony, I started to feel sure-footed, fulfilled, and joyful.